More Jim
More Jim.
Hi all. I have a lot of hot topics to tell you about, but it seems that what people really want is more Jim.
Jim who? You ask?
Jim is the man I’ve been dating after being single since 2010. People know about him because I went on a date with a different guy before Jim, who said he wanted a younger woman. The story about that guy was published in Madison Magazine, and you can read it here. Six million people read it and wanted to talk about it (bragging but also true).
Mostly the readers were concerned about my singleness and how dare that guy be so clueless.
To make sure everyone knew I was okay, I wrote another essay about falling in love with Jim, and The New York Times published it in Modern Love, and now everyone wants more of the story, mostly about Jim.
“We want Jim with our morning coffee. Ann, we’ve had quite enough of you.”
You should read the Modern Love story first because you may not be interested in Jim and can go on with your life.
More Jim:
Before I sorted myself out and eyeballed Jim differently, I thought I was finished with men—not my mailman or my writer friend who lives around the corner, but men as romantic partners.
I’ve had relationships with incredible men in my life, but because of their timing or mine, we went our separate ways. Sometimes, all harm and a fair amount of foul were involved in the moving on, and other times, I attended their weddings and choked up with happiness for them.
Years ago, Jim and I met because my one-hundred-year-old Victorian home decided to act like the crusty centurion she was. When I painted the entire house, and the paint flaked off in six months, Jim said, “Try water vapor barrier paint on all the internal walls that face the exterior.” And I did, losing six pounds in the process.
When the concrete front path flaked and split, he carefully explained expansion and contraction due to heat, cold, and moisture. When he worked to fix them, I watched, and he said, without looking up,
“I like to work alone.”
I moved to the inside and peered through the front window for a while, and then I carried on with my own life. Often, Jim finished something, and I’d see his truck pull out of the driveway and head down the street. My girls and I would wave from the window.
“Bye Jim.” We’d call after him, laughing at his focus. He had things to do and saying goodbye after a job wasn’t one of them.
Later, our kids were on volleyball teams together, and neither Jim nor I ever missed a game. When we travelled for tournaments, sometimes we sat together and sometimes not.
Once children and all, we stayed in a big cabin together for a long weekend tournament in the Wisconsin Dells.
After I unloaded my tote bag with a change of clothes and my computer, I tried to help Jim bring inside plastic bins filled with food, paper towels, homemade chilli, coffee filters, swim towels, and flashlights in case the power went out. If he noticed I’d packed next to nothing, he said nothing as he fed us and kept us on schedule the whole weekend. It’s not like I didn’t know we needed things but I was in a tough time in my life and could only manage to keep people alive and equipped for their sport.
If Jim ever got overwhelmed, he didn’t show it. He likes to prepare, and I admire that because I can only do it to a certain point. His careful consideration and worst-case-scenario planning might drive someone else crazy, but I see it as love for the people he considers in his care.
There’s a story I come back to when I try to describe Jim to those who haven’t met him yet. The year 2018 was one of those years that felt like someone had tugged the last beam out of the Jenga tower of my life. My father died suddenly and in my arms, and then six months later, my mother died while I cradled her in my arms. A relationship ended, I left my job, sold my house, bought another, and on and on it went. I’d gone to get a colonoscopy because why not? The year was already a disaster. Why not have the medical test that is basically a metaphor for a brutal time?
After the procedure I took to my bed and left instructions with my daughter. Let me sleep this off.
Before long, she woke me,
“Mom, there’s water up to my ankles in the basement; it’s bubbling up from a drain.”
“Call Jim,” I said and fell back asleep. I’m a tired person anyway, and if you sedate me, I will not rally for love nor money. No way. No how.
When I came to, Jim had vacuumed all the water out of my basement, hauled enormous fans down flights of stairs and set them up. He went on to get bids for a sump pump, drain tiling, and an investigator to examine what looked like asbestos tile in one of the damp rooms.
“Where is he?” I asked my daughter.
“He left without saying goodbye,” she said, and we laughed. And then I cried, but only a little bit.
In my mind, this story is about quintessential Jim and why I loved him before I “loved” him.
Over the years, we chatted more. He stopped leaving without saying goodbye, and we started to get to know each other as people rather than our roles in the world: mother, father, carpenter, and builder. Yet, it was in those roles that we learned the most about each other. I saw someone who always did what he said he would do and more. And he saw me in my natural habitat, being my sometimes scattered, sometimes organized self.
The best thing about it is that neither of us observed each other as potential partners. We were experiencing each other as parents, acquaintances, and then friends.
I don’t know what Jim saw in me. You’d have to ask him, but don’t expect him to wax poetic about it; he’s busy making my life better every day, and he’s been doing it for sixteen years.
Thank you so much for reading, my friends.
Jim is blushing.
xx Ann
Ann, I just read your viral essay and just love it. Your writing is snappy, fresh, and funny with a warm squeeze of the heart. Lucky Jim, lucky you. Keep on rockin’.
Thank you Evelyn!! I so appreciate your words. It all keeps me going.
xx
I am so here for the Jim content (and so very happy for you both). Love you!
Hi Ann – A terrific essay (as usual). And I’m happy for you for what sounds like a strong and positive friendship plus you have going. I on the other hand think romance should be kept to the controllable confines of fiction. But I digress.
Among my tsunami of opinions is that those who mutter “Nice guys finish last” are embittered losers. This has been reinforced time and again by the fact that I know – as do we all I’m sure – far too many “nice” people who have succeeded… including you. So stay the course!
On a somber note, I was sorry to read of your parents passing. They were wonderful people and I have little doubt they both considered you the pearl of their existence.
Be well.
BILL
Oh thank you William, or as I know you, Billy Bekkala.
I’m going back to White Pine this weekend to see Mike Carmella and some of the gang.
It’s a memorial for his mom, among other things. I will think of you!
Warmly,
Ann
Lovely, in every way.
Thank you TERI!! and thank you for the card with the NYTs article. 🙂
I am so sorry about the passing of your father, and then your mother, and just six months apart. I am in awe and envy at the “in my arms” part.
And, ofc, I love Jim for you, and Jim for life. May you stay together and continue to make each other happy until one of you passes in the other’s arms.
xo
oop. That made me cry Diana. I love you for that.
xxoo A
This made me happy. I love how Jim morphed into someone you could love romantically. You are amazing. Sounds like he is, too. Sending love from NC!!
Or Doris!
Thank you.
Me too. Thank you, and you are amazing as well.
xx from Wisconsin!
Ann, when I see your newsletter pop up in my emails, I know my day will be better already! (if that makes sense)
Your writing carries me along with you at a speed I can easily handle and I always want more! You are in one instance, so normal, yet when you write about your life, you become special and interesting times ten!
Thank you for sharing. Jim sounds wonderful and a great match with you. Best of everything to you both..
P.S. On my corner of our street, we had/have five women who chose younger men! (Some moved away) Ups and downs were all around but our own cougar alley knew how to have fun and support each other together well. None of we women had gone looking for love with a list like the gem.you dated for 5 seconds! Lol
hahah
Cougar Alley should be a TV show but better than the one they made.
Thanks Barbara, I never would have figured it out if not for all the bumps. I tell myself.
xx Ann
Your story is right on., and what a great lesson. Be who you are, appreciate others for who they are, and be kind. to everybody. Then love–there are so many different kinds of love–can happen. There must be thousands of people who love you. I am among them. Thanks, Ann.
An I love you. For such a long time as well.
A
Perfect slow burn romance. Serendipity.
Honestly, Denise, the slowest burn. I was clueless.
A perfect description … thank you
Thank you !! xxx
Ann, i’m worried – or just curious: When real life is thus (so warmly, simply, movingly described), how do immerse yourself in make-believe? Switch from fiction to memoir?
Hi Elaine,
I don’t have too much trouble switching back and forth. Maybe it’s because I’m deep into my character’s voice who is made up. And my memoir voice is solidly me and only me. I’m not sure. That’s a great question. Thanks for asking it.
Loved this Ann. Thanks so much for sharing it. So important to recognize that there are so many fabulous humans out there. You’re one of them and Jim is too!
I’m so happy to see your name, Linda. There are so fabulous humans. Let’s write that newsletter.
Oh MY gawd, I ♥️ this so much! This makes me so happy and hopeful for the future! I’m so glad you shared this & am so damn happy for you both!! So beautifully written, and poignant, Ann…you have such a graceful but realistic way with words! Sending hugs and all my love!! ~I’m JELLY!! ~Susan
hahaha I’m so glad. There is some hope. xxx
Ann. As a woman with a somewhat parallel life to yours, I drank in this essay along with my morning coffee. I’ve experienced the “older woman” dilemma and have loved and lost through a death and divorce and loss of both parents. Your words encouraged me this morning as I attempt that forever love that I know is out there. I’m scrolling the possibilities in my mind as I write this and am inspired by your words. Thank you.
Luann,
Listen we need to take the positive-ness where we can get them and when we find a like minded soul, we have to hold hands.
Glad you are here!!
xxx A
I love your story so much, thank you for sharing with us. I loved it so much I had to google you and find this follow up! I feel like in our modern society it’s becoming increasingly rare to read about non-tinder love stories.
Oh Kendall, thank you so much. I’m so glad you found me!
I agree also a non-negative view of men and dating.
I was inspired by Annie Lamont and her new found love (in the last year).
Glad you are here. xxx
I love this. So much.
QUACK hee hee
Ann,
I love this piece … it drew me in and had me laughing out loud … and, just like a good novel, I didn’t want it to end! Favorite visuals: You and the girls waving goodbye to Jim from the window after his quiet departure. And the entire, albeit essential, contents of your travel bag for a weekend sports tournament! Hah!
I am so glad you have given us more about Jim … Delightful!
xo TeaCup
Happy for you.
haha More Jim.
So real! Thanks for the backstory. Loved it. More Jim please!
I don’t think he can take anymore.
hahaha
I love reading your work. Timing is everything! I am happy your relationship continues to grow and bloom!
Thank you soooo much Vicki,
Ann
I’m enjoying this love story, how it slowly reveals itself, layer by layer. Some months ago I read your essay about the jerk who wanted a younger woman. I took umbrage. Glad you found a gem.
Lisa,
Thank you so much. This has been a surprising and delightful year!
xx
Lisa,
Thank you!! I did find a gem and I’m so lucky to get the chance to write about him.
Ann
OMG Ann!
This piece is witty and charming – soooo YOU! I’m happy for both you and Jim, and I’m blushing for the two of you!
hahaha Thank you soooo much. xxx
Hello~
I read your story in the times, thanks for sharing. I found my Jim in Madison, @ 54 years old and he was not what I thought I was looking for. We are celebrating 14 years together! Women need to share these stories, because love shows up at all ages and stages. Glad I found you as an author, looking forward to reading your book.
Thank you, I thought I wrote back but I wasn’t sure. I’m so happy you found me. It’s lovely to hear your thoughts
Ann
Fourteen years!
It took me so long to get myself in order to see what was in front of me.
How wonderful that you’ve had so much time together.
Thank you for reading my piece and writing!!
xx A
Hi Ann! I’m a new reader of yours and I love the warmth and flow of your writing. I love that your experience with ageism in dating has come to such a heartwarming point. I wouldn’t be opposed to reading even more Jim, if you (and he) permit.
Farren,
I did write another post called More Jim, and published it in my blog here. Jim didn’t even realize it and his sister called him and told him. He’s delighted and embarrassed. Thank you so much for writing to me.
Warmly,
Ann
Hi Ann-First I read your piece in Modern Love and thought it was great. I will definitely go back and read your first article! I totally resonate with this. Being single at a certain age IS NOT a disease or a problem to be solved.. Loved the blog and loved learning about Jim.
It says a lot about connection in a world that lives in the cloud. You sometimes don’t realize what is right in front of you and discovering that is beautiful.
I can’t wait to read Bummer Camp. Ironically I got a copy this month before reading the Modern Love piece and it is sitting on my kindle.. Kismet.
Cheers to you. I can’t wait to read more!
Oh Katie, that’s so funny that you got a copy of Bummer Camp before reading the Modern Love piece. I guess you and I were meant to be connected (from the clouds above).
xx A
Good morning! I have never immediately sought contact information for an author before, but after reading your essay about Jim in this morning’s Times, I couldn’t help myself. You are telling my story. Divorced in 1993 after 10 years of marriage to an alcoholic, I raised two beautiful daughters for 22 years on my own. I attempted to date on occasion, but I’ve never been what they call “dating material.” I’ve had men tell me in the past that I am the kind of woman a guy marries, not dates, whatever that means!! After decades of single “Momhood,” I finally settled into the comfort of knowing that I liked my life as it was, and a life partner was just not in the cards for me. My girls were grown and I jumped into activities that I had always wished to pursue, one of which was learning to ballroom dance. Which is where Bob entered my life. We were friends for about five years while attending regular dance classes and all the social dances. Bob was divorced, gainfully employed, had a big smile, a silly sense of humor and a girlfriend who also danced. We were all friends. When I had to sit out dancing for almost a year while I recovered from rotator cuff surgery, only one dancing friend bothered to reach out once in a while to see how my healing was progressing … Bob. When I returned to dancing, I learned that Bob and the girlfriend had parted ways and he was dating someone new. It made no difference to me, as Bob was never on my radar as a potential mate, we were nothing more than good friends. Then, one evening, we were leaving a dance at the same time, walking along the sidewalk laughing about something as usual, I remarked, “You’re a lot of fun.” He replied, “You’re fun, too.” The glance we exchanged probably lasted a moment, but it felt much longer. A few days later, he invited me to attend a documentary movie about bees. We’ll be married eight years this November. I am 67 and Bob is 70.
Louise,
Oh my gosh you and I are living parallel lives. This is so close to my life and finding Jim. I’m so happy for you!
You sound quite a lot like me. I love that you included the detail – a movie about bees.
How wonderful that you’re here.
Warmly, Ann
Wow. I’m hooked on you and Jim stories. I’m waiting for the part where you say something like: “I like you.” And Jim says: “I like you too. “. And you say: “Well, it’s more than like…” and he says: “Me too.” I imagine the real dialogue is much more interesting and I’m dying to read it, please.
I did write a More Jim article and published it here on my website. There isn’t much dialogue yet. I guess that’s coming.
Ann
I absolutely love these 3 stories, and laughed and cried along with you. Having just found my person at 52 (we’re the same age!) I can relate to all of this. Thank you for sharing. Jim is not only interesting and kind, he’s also very wise 😉
Holly,
All three stories!! Thank you for reading these. You’ve made me very happy. I’m so glad for you as well.
xx Ann
So, I am a man of 64, and I read your essay re Jim in The NY Times. First know that I have been on both sides of it. Her: “You’re just too old.” Me: “Really? Am I not the guy that threw you over my shoulder and carried you up the stairs?” I also dated a woman for 5 years who was 4 years older than I am. The demographic fact is, there are more of you ladies than there are of us men. So we do get to pick a little. That we might does not make us ageist. If I were a woman, I might prefer a 59 year old man to one my own age – if I could find one, because youth is beautiful. Example: I noticed there wasn’t an ugly woman in the Olympics. Young and fit, and therefore every one beautiful.! Are they ageists because at 30 they don’t want to date me? Of course not. What we should not do is be jerks about it Maybe your guy was. But what if he had said, “The fact is there are younger women out there that might be possibilities for me, but your personality and intelligence makes me buck the trend.” I dated my older girlfriend because she was witty and bright and made me laugh my ass off. At the end of the day, the scarcity of healthy age appropriate men and the social constructs that give older men some outsized power over women are not the fault of any one of us dudes. We would be stupid not to take advantage of it, just as we would be stupid to look past a dazzling personality just for the fact of a few years. So a blanket criticism is unwarranted and smells like resentment. I do know one thing – bitterness is a highly unattractive quality – in any age.
Hi Ann,
I read your piece in Modern Love and admit I came straight here for more Jim because I reached the end and was hoping there was another page. I thought, “Certainly she’s not leaving me hanging. I need to know what happened next!”. What a relief to find “More Jim”. 🙂 Thank you for sharing him with us.
Oh, I’m so glad you found him!!
This part made me cry: “The year 2018 was one of those years that felt like someone had tugged the last beam out of the Jenga tower of my life.”
Mine would read: The year 2020 started with 11;28am time of death for my dad, after an ambulance ride to two major hospitals in Seattle during a rare snowstorm that resulted in only 4 available ambulances in the entire city. And no hospital beds because of a COVID-19 surge. We had to listen to 17 hrs of him struggling to breathe in a tiny ED room. At 6:30am, we finally got an ICU room. He died five hours later. Four months later, my husband moved out while I was away on a business trip. Our girls had returned to college. The house was quiet, as my two dogs looked up at me, tails wagging. I threw myself into work, which was freelance writing and editing because I had quit my job at the start the pandemic when it all became too much–sandwich-generation caregiver to kids unhappy to be home from high school and college due to COVID, and parents in their 80s and 90s in lockdown in an independent-living facility. And a husband who was one of those healthcare professionals putting in 100+ hours during a scary time. So I started fundraising, picking up meals and delivering hundreds of meals to hospitals, labs, and other essential sites with workers who needed to be fed. Soon “We Got This Seattle” was delivering to up to 12 sites a day (40-100 indv boxed meals/site). I was sleeping 4-5 hrs a night. It’s been a sprint and a marathon, hasn’t it? Now, single for the first time since I was 14, it’s a new chapter. While I don’t feel ready to date yet, I’m trying to be open to possibility. For now, I’m working my ass off to be able to afford to stay in the house. I’m grateful to have my mom nearby, and my dogs to get me out of the house. The silver lining in all this change has been WOMEN. Friends I’ve known for a long time, women I sort of knew through our kids, NEW FRIENDS…and so many similar stories that I didn’t know until I shared my struggle and fears. I feel as if these past 4 years have changed me in major ways–the clarity of pandemic times, perhaps–and clarified what I want and don’t want, what I need and what I don’t, and what my priorities are. So, not all bad. Love your writing–thank you for sharing your stories.
Ellen,
I read every word of this and felt all the things. Thank you for writing this to me. I know this kind of tumbling and I also know you are on your way back up. Thank you for writing this hopeful paragraph that sings the praises of women. I feel the same way. I’m so glad you found me and introduced yourself to me in such a vulnerable way. xx More to come I hope. Ann
Thank you so much. I’m so new to all this. This afternoon I received an email from the NYT pointing me to your Modern Love article from June (“He Wanted to Date Younger Women”). Today. Today, I got that email. I read the article and wanted to read the original “Why Am I Not Dating Younger Women?” article.
But before I did that, I had to get the skinny on JIM!!! I googled your name and Jim and found this. Incredible, Ann. Thank you. I’m so sorry to hear about your trials. It shows you gliding through and with magic and loss. To quote Lou Reed. Thank you. – A Life of Magic and Loss.
Camille,
It’s incredible that we found each other through the NYTimes. I’m so humbled that you would write, and with such kindness. Thank you so very much.
Warmly and with love,
Ann
Make a movie!!!
Wishing you and Jim love and joy.
Thank you so much. We are pretty happy. 🙂 Pretty darn happy indeed.
Hello Ann!
I didn’t know you until 15 minutes ago when I read your Modern Love essay forwarded to me by my husband. I loved it but this one made me feel like I was reading about me – I feel exactly the way you do about romance.
May yours last long and be full of laughter and happiness.
Thank you soooooo much. Wow, you’re in India. That is the best thing about the NYTimes. I get to connect to far away friends like you.
I love that you wrote. Feeling warm over here 🙂
Ann
Ann (you have my mother’s name, so I already love you),
One of my husband’s cycling club friends texted me, “Cheryl, I discovered an author today who made me think of you—someone whose style and wit I believe you would appreciate. Have you ever read anything by Ann Gavin?”
Of course, I was intrigued, so I googled you and then stalked you on all your social media sites. It’s not all that creepy. The mistake I made was checking how your books were doing on Amazon. How the hell did you get so many reviews in three weeks? You must be really good.
So, I read your blog.
What a find you are! Tell Jim I said so.
Hugs, C
Dear Ann (you have my mother’s name, so I already love you),
One of my husband’s cycling club friends texted me, “Cheryl, I discovered an author today who made me think of you—someone whose style and wit I believe you would appreciate. Have you ever read anything by Ann Gavin?”
Of course, I was intrigued, so I googled you and then stalked you on all your social media sites. It’s not all that creepy. The mistake I made was checking how your books were doing on Amazon. How the hell did you get so many reviews in three weeks? You must be really good.
So, I read your blog.
What a find you are! Tell Jim I said so.
Hugs, C
Cheryl I think you are the find.
Also, I doubt I have ever been referred to someone by a husband’s cycling friend. I LOVE THIS SO HARD.
Please stay and play!!
PS I am lucky to have a publisher that really pushes my books out to the public !!
xxx Ann