Good For Me
Good For Me
This post went viral with 6 million, mostly nice views. It was a wild ride and if you didn’t read it, I thought you might like to.
I am 62 years old, single, and recently, after watching “Love Actually” for the 17th time — toxic though it may be — I downloaded a dating app and started the arduous process of vetting men so that I, too, might actually find love. Again.
After several online conversations, I agreed to meet someone. A light, romantic snow was falling, my hair was neither too short nor too long and I’d met a big writing deadline. I wasn’t exactly killing it like the gowned and bedazzled women in “The Golden Bachelor,” but I thought I could hold up my end of a glass-of-wine date.
I was able to hang on to that can-do attitude until I sat across from the man. It took a minute to locate him; his online photos were out of date five years ago, but I wrote it off. I get it, I dye my hair. We all get to be a little insecure.
After we exchanged hellos and the wine was served, I asked the question, “How has online dating been for you?”
“Oh,” he said, interested and willing to talk about his experience. He looked me square in the eye with a lovely open smile and said, “You know, I’m fit and healthy with a lucrative job. I thought I’d be dating much younger women.”
I hope you cringed when you read his response. I mean, he’d just broken the first rule of talking out loud: Know your audience. Public speaking guides aside, maybe you gasped at the hubris, the rudeness, the ageism or his cluelessness that his devaluation hit both of us.
I’ll tell you how I responded in a minute.
In the half-second of dead air before I replied, I thought, You should be so lucky to date me or any of my friends of the same age. Not because of our age, stage in life or accumulated wisdom — but because we, in some ways, like the man, have no idea how old we are.
We move through the world making decisions as we always have, based on time, money and values. I don’t think I’ve ever thought, Ann, you’re 62, no more “carpe diems” for you. Nor have I ever considered the age of a potential friend, collaborator or new acquaintance and wished them younger.
What is weird is that I wasn’t ready for his appraisal. I was surprised by the swat at my value. How had I not been ready for it, had my defenses up or charged my stun gun (just kidding)?
This cavalier assessment of a person’s value based on age is everywhere. When I go to the dentist and pick up a magazine featuring a top gun list of the latest 30-under-30 or 40-under-40, I’m reminded, Oh yeah. “Age and accomplishment” is a thing. The subtext urges readers to hurry and achieve because a finish line looms, and they are not talking about death as the ultimate “game over.” No, the endpoint they are referring to is whatever arbitrary age society deems us no longer interesting or notable. (Or, apparently, dateable.)
Sure, there are times when age is celebrated in the media. When a debut author or new entrepreneur is over 50, their success and age are highlighted. Check out this old person, they achieved something! The tone is a little too astonished, a little too congratulatory for my liking.
When aging comes up in our conversations, it’s all woe is me or good for you. Neither response is anything but reductive.
We should take a lesson from my neighbor, who shoveled her entire sidewalk while I wrote this. I bet she doesn’t have time for magazines at the dentist’s office. Her husband has advanced Parkinson’s and a leg bag that needs changing.
You might be thinking by now, no wonder you’re single. You’re prickly. What exactly would you like, Ann? I’ll tell you what I’d like. I’d like to be me, whoever I am, without my age being part of the conversation.
But subtle and not-so-subtle negative messaging is everywhere, and it isn’t just coming for me — it’s coming for all of us. It came for my date when he uploaded his vintage profile photos and called them current. It’s with my 27-year-old daughter, whose anti-aging skin care regimen for her blemish-free face would rival an aesthetician’s. She knows she’s aging and she’ll have to be ready with a comeback if she ever finds herself sitting across from a person who wishes she hadn’t lived so long.
This brings me back to my date and how I responded. To recap, he said, “You know, I’m fit and healthy with a lucrative job. I thought I’d be dating much younger women.”
I paused, looked at him and said, “And here you sit with someone your own age.”
His eyes went wide when he realized the error of his statement. “No, no,” he said, putting his full stop sign hand out. “Not you,” he said. “I don’t mean you!”
Then I pushed my chair back and said, “I don’t think you want to waste any more of your time here. You’re not getting any younger.”
Ha! I wish I’d said that. But I hadn’t been ready for a battle against all odds, ageist remarks and a replay of history. And that’s on me.
Instead, I pushed my chair back, stood, gave him a thin smile and walked away, congratulating myself for not getting the message; I had walked into a date sure I had value, even though I’d lived long enough to tell a few tales like this one.
Good for me.
Madison Magazine asked me to write it for them
I’ve written about dating before here.
If you want to see the comments good and bad you can find them here: https://bit.ly/3Ju2jHL
Good for you! I so wish you had been able to deliver that very appropriate retort, but I get it–I’ve been so stunned by remarks like that that I can’t reply in the moment either.
It was stunning but also food for thought. Bitter food though. 🙂
A few years ago I noticed young men were holding the door open for me. I wondered if it was my new chic haircut. When I mentioned it to a friend, she rolled her eyes and said, “They do that for their mothers too.” Talk about a bubble burst. But yes, I decided I was worth having a door held for me at ANY age!
OH THAT WAS Harsh. hahahha but true, I guess.
I’ll take respect anywhere I can get it….but still
xxx
Reading you has never been a disappointment! I enjoy hearing of your life’s experiences…they help arm me against similar situations. Thank you, Ann.
What a fantastic compliment. Thank you. Let’s all arm each other!
Thank you. A beautifully written assessment of life as we age. I’m nearing my 74th birthday, doing the things that need to be done, fully enjoying my life, activities, learning, as vigorous as my body and mind allow. But I’m aware of my increasing invisibility (I don’t dye my hair). People—okay, women—with so much to do, so much to give, and so much value to offer get dismissed. Keep on being valuable just as you are. And thanks for making the rest of us visible.
Amen, sister!
Right back at you.
What he said sounds like honesty and candor. There are various reasons men and women may want to date people younger or older than themselves. People (not all) tend to accumulate wisdom and financial resources over time as they age. Both men and women experience a decline in fertility as they age. Interests and physical abilities change over time– a group of 25 year olds might not hesitate to try snowboarding for the first time, while for a group of 65+ year olds, a trip to the snow may involve much different activities. It is advisable for people to take these variables into consideration as they discriminate among various potential suitors.
It makes sense to discriminate. A young woman who wants a partner to father her children should definitely take age into consideration. If she is blind to age and has children with a man in his 70s, the father of her children may not be alive to wish them off to college.
You don’t say to a woman your age– on a first date — that you thought you would date younger women.
There is no defense of this but clueless, problematic misunderstanding of people.
Thank you so much Anne. We are all fighting the same fight, whether we notice it or not. Ageing is the only thing we all do at the very same timeline. Unless we don’t.
I’ve heard too many horror stories from my single lady friends who have tried dating apps that I’d never use one. One friend went to lunch with a guy who admitted at the end of the meal that he was unemployed and couldn’t pay, so she did; several were ghosted; and another was asked for full-body photos before the guy would even continue chatting with her online. All canceled their app subscriptions.
Yeah, it’s not great for man nor beast. Oh wait, that’s redundant.
Incredible, but not surprising. Stories like this are why I feel blessed to be part of the writing community. When meeting other authors at conferences, we invariably ask each other what we’re writing which many times will pull us into an engaging conversation. and sometimes those connections will result in lifelong friendships. Our love of writing and sharing our stories, not the shallowness of people like this man are what bring us together.
Greg, you are one of the lovely ones.
If I’ve lived my life concerned about pleasing parents, suitors, employers, and caring for my partner, my daughter, dear friends, personal interests, my home and community… I feel the last thing I need at age 66 is someone else’s presence to rock my sense of self-sovereignty, peace and openness to anything I wish on my terms. As a healthy widow, this is a delicious chapter of my life.
So happy for you. Truly..
I agree completely.
I love that you walked away.
Most women would have suffered through, but you knew your worth, and that of your time, and you did it.
You are an inspiration! Truly. In so many ways.
And I’m so glad it went viral.
And you are always here as support 🙂 xx A
Like the time I was at a party and a man came up to me and asked if I could stand up for a moment. I thought he was trying to get to something behind me. Nope. After I stood up the looked at me and said, “That’s what I thought, you are too tall for me.”
I wish I would have said “listen here little man…”
But instead, I stood there shocked. The couple I came with. tried to reassure me, and friend’s boyfriend did say to the guy “Dude! Not cool.” But it fell on deaf ears.
That was 20 years ago!
Yep, words have meaning.
Some people are just stupid.
Thanks for sharing this!
Yvette,
Thank you for sharing. I am now sharing your outrage. UGH.
Thank you for being here to read this and support women. xx ann
I’m so glad you stood up for yourself and also glad he showed who he was with the first opening of his lips! Who has time for connections that are superficial? I’m currently on the hunt for a new literary agent and often compare the search similar to online dating. You just never know. I’m very sorry he hurt you. If I was sitting next to you guys I would have intentionally spilled my drink on him 🙂
I like when you said we have no idea how old we are. And, I appreciate the comment from Anne about what my body and mind will allow. When I was 34, did I ever think about being over 70? Not likely, but the fact that I got to a time that really let me expand my interests and creativity means the world to me. Your writing, Ann, adds to that.
KItty thank you so much for this.
I rarely have thought about age, but I feel like the culture is always reminding you to check yourself. Which I don’t like! Thanks for reading. 🙂 xx Ann
Ann, I just read your initial article and your story in last week’s Sunday New York Times and I’m dying to hear the update on Jim. Not only for my hopeful interest in your personal story, but for me to look at my own preconceived notions and consider my own Jim in my life : 😉
My husband and I have a friend who’s about 10 years younger and was on several dating apps. One day he mentioned how frustrated he was. He wasn’t sure he’d ever fall in love again. I flippantly said that maybe he should try dating someone his own age. Six months later he thanked me for my advice. He hadn’t realized his age! He started looking for women his age and fell in love. They’ve been together for 2 years now.
He just didn’t knowwwww!!! Oh my. I get it.
So happy he is happy now.
Yes, it’s the oddest thing, this mind/body disconnect… I’m ageless in my mind but my body certainly knows the difference.
I’ve never even considered a dating ap even though I’m not averse to a relationship….just live my life, day to day, as it is.
I was fortunate enough to have been married to a considerate man, 43 years married and five years dating him, prior to our wedding.
We’d still be married had not Agent Orange carried him off.
I’m glad you walked away from the ill mannered and somewhat delusional man.
You did it with far more grace than I would have managed!!
I’m sorry you lost your love.
Dating is so hard and can be miserable.
Peeple can be equal parts terrible and wonderful as it seems you husband was.
Thank you for writing today.
Ann
Brava!
Good for you Ann.
As a 63 year old, eight years divorced, I too, have treid the date apps. Not for the faint of heart.
My recent coffe date started with him asking what I was seeking in a relationship?
My reply ” Not quite sure, trying to open my heart to love again”.
I asked him the same. His reply
“Something casual, as I am married”.
His profile said “divorced”.
I stood up and said
“Someone else may want to sit in this chair on this date, but that is not me”.
I ( and my good hair day) got up and walked to another table to finish my Latte.
I think I replied already, but even still….bravo!
My wife is nearly 62, and I am already there. We knew each other in high school, went in different directions, and nearly 27 years after we graduated, we connected on a dating site. We did not recognize each other at first, but she mentioned the school, and we then realized that we knew each other. A date became two old friends getting together, leading to marriage.
If that fellow wanted younger women to date, he could have specified that in his profile. Unfortunately for him, his dinner was a hearty serving of shoe leather.
There is one huge advantage that people our age have; we have witnessed an amazing amount of change on many fronts in our years. Teaching mathematics at a college, I tell my students how I learned math “back in the Stone Age – BC – Before Calculators”. I show methods I learned in high school that are no longer taught, including extracting square roots. I also mention the first computers and how slide rules help put astronauts on the moon.
The younger students appreciate our wisdom, guidance, and encouragement. The returning students relate to our experience, having quite a bit of their own at times, are easier to shepherd through courses, and not only appreciate the encouragement, but are often more confident than those just out of high school.
My oldest was in her early 70s. I dragged her kicking and screaming through two math courses, but she made it. She had outside work and did everything for her husband and three sons all of her life. She wanted to earn a degree because she wanted something that was hers. I am still inspired by her.
So… we boomers rock! As a matter of fact, reading your column in the New York Times, which expands on this post, I am eagerly awaiting the outcome of what you have written there. Whatever happens, you deserve the best outcome.
I just read The NY Times article which lead me here. I so want to know the outcome of that story!!!
Thank you for sharing your story firmly and honestly. Congratulations on publication of your well written follow up today in the NY Times.
Congratulations on your professional and romantic success! I’m curious about the seeming similarity between female complaints about women wanting to date younger men and male complaints about women wanting to date tall men. (On the subject of age, young men complain that heterosexual women their age tend to want to date older men, but at least these young men know that they will eventually become older themselves.) By the way, as you may have seen, there is a famous SNL skit ridiculing the age preferences of men: https://slate.com/culture/2015/12/tina-fey-and-amy-poehler-shine-in-snls-meet-your-second-wife-sketch-video.html
yes, thank you. I have seen that. 🙂 Thank you for writing.