I’m a nice lady, I promise.
Remember me? That nice lady whose email newsletter you signed up for and then stopped writing it.
I promised an essay a month, book recommendations, writing and reading retreat announcements, and a few choice words about things that bug me because that’s what besties talk about.
Not to be dramatic, but I broke my promise to you.
I suspect you don’t care. What I mean is, I bet you totally get it. I bet you’ve broken some promises in your day. I sure have. Here are a few of them:
- I promised myself, no more sugar, hahahaha. I mean, what was I thinking, really. I’m not a Gweneth Paltrow who appears to have given up everything but her bone broth IVs. I’m Ann Garvin, who would marry sugar if I could.
- That brings us to my marriage. I promised. I tried. I tried harder (multiply this by a lot of trying) so that everyone could live happily ever after we divorced. Fifty percent of you will understand. Another twenty percent of you have considered it. Ten percent of you never married, and the last of you hit the lottery, and, man, I’m happy for you.
- I promised I would write a book called Falling In Love Is the Easy Part, then Bob Saget, who I don’t know, died. Somehow, that was the last straw for me (read about that here), and I threw that book away, was forgiven by my publisher, and wrote this one instead.
- I promised myself I would do less in 2023, and I fumbled it like the worst butt fumble in the NFL (I’ve seen worse). I put a sticker on my desk that said, No new ideas. Then, I hired a COO, Stephanie Burns. We reorganized the Tall Poppy Writers, ran a huge writing contest, took readers and writers to an Italian Villa for a writing retreat, and hired this company to re-do my website (If you need a new website, I can get you a huge discount if you reply to this email). I launched a book, pitched a new book to my publisher, and wrote it. Bummer Camp will come out on Aug. 27, 2024; more soon…
- a. If you want to see a compilation video of me trying to find bathrooms all over Italy, it’s right here.
- I’m obsessed with hydration, and it makes for some funny copy.
- b. You can see why I haven’t written.
I think of myself as a nice lady, but maybe I should stop promising things, or maybe there’s a better word or phrase to use. Let’s try a couple different ones on for size.
Dear you, I will make a concerted effort to…. (This sounds very alcoholics anonymous)
Dear you, I will give it the old college try to….(Straight out of my dad’s playbook)
Dear you, I will try very hard not to give up my shot…..(Alexander Hamilton, if he were me).
Dear you, I will be overly optimistic but, in the end, probably over-promise and eventually deliver…(My editor might say too many words will reduce the reader’s confidence in the writer).
Hmmmm…Maybe I’m not that nice.
Here’s what I think. I think if you signed up for my newsletter, you might be very much like me. A nice lady who aims high, and sometimes, not every time, has to write a 800-word apology email. And the people annoyed by it unsubscribe, block, ignore, and talk smack about you at the town hall meeting.
Michelle Wolf, the very funny comedian, in her 2017 Netflix special said this: “Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things. And if you’re in charge of something and you think you’re a nice lady, no one else does. There are whole email chains about how much you’re a nice lady.”
I still think I’m a nice lady even though I don’t always get my newsletter out, even though I got a divorce, eat sugar, and give up on things that are hurting my mental health. In the end, if I don’t always cross every T and dot every I, it’s not because I didn’t try.
It’s because I did try.
We all should try.
I will keep trying. I totally………..
Promise I will be overly optimistic but in the end will probably over promise and eventually deliver and then write a letter to you that I hope makes you feel better about when you gave up on something after giving it the old college try.
Please tell me you have given up on something, then I can feel better too.
I’m so happy to be back,
To see some of these inks you might have to go to Instagram