#3! Who Empties the Dishwasher (and Other Good & Free Relationship Math)
#3! Who Empties the Dishwasher (and Other Good Relationship Math)
I’ve long said that every relationship is about what to keep and what to give, whether it’s a friend, a romance or with the person that does your hair. (Hi Liz!)
Every time we engage with another person, we have to decide what’s fair, what do I want, what do they want, how much can I handle, what is appropriate, what is okay? Who empties the dishwasher? But, like, for real, who empties the dishwasher? Because my hair lady never empties the dishwasher, and I’m okay with that.
Relationships are complicated, and as a recovering people pleaser who’s trying hard not to be codependent, I struggled with how much money to gift my mail carrier this holiday season because my dog barks a lot, and I appreciate how he never flips Peanut off. So I want to show my appreciation without say, gifting my house to him. (That’s too much, right?)
Boundaries are hard. I didn’t grow up in the times when women said, “I am taking a day off!” I grew up in the times when someone was sick, I signed up to bring a casserole to their house on three more days than I wanted to because no one else could do September 15, 16, or the 22nd.
But then I read this *perfect” thing that helped me figure a few things out…..
BEFORE I TELL YOU about this perfect thing, there are a couple of side notes to this troublesome question of who empties the dishwasher. Is it you, the other people who live with you, or maybe nobody at all? Which is fine for a minute, but then let’s be real. You need spoons.
Side note #1.
We’re not talking about big partner needs, like an antidepressant (I mean, who doesn’t need one, am I right?) or who should enroll in a communication class (he does). We are talking about the balance of what we want vs. what someone else might want.
Side note #2.
Remember this game (of a balanced relationship) is rigged against women. Ask your partner-man if they’ve ever wondered how much to give and how much to take in a relationship. Don’t make it a fight. I bet, and I’m generalizing here, they spend more time thinking about their socks, the NFL playoffs, and lunch.
Women are more relationship centered for lots of reasons, both nature and nurture. And if you want to read more about this, read The Secret to Unlocking The Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA. Emily also writes a lot about your privates and how to have an orgasm—which might really take your mind off your dishwasher (no judgment).
It’s time for me to get closer to the perfect thing that helped me figure a few things out.
Back when I was obsessed with parenting questions like, how do I get my kid to eat something other than white food, I found Ellen Satter. She’s a wonderful resource on feeding kids, see: Ellen said, “The parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of feeding. The child is responsible for how much and whether they eat.”
Stay with me, we’re getting there.
The dishwasher and your relationships is the what, when, and where of duties. You are responsible for the if and how much. There is no right answer for every relationship. There is no wrong answer—I mean yes, there is, the man is always wrong.
That was a joke, guys.
Seriously though, our world is a never-ending faucet of freezing cold choices. You get to stand under it and freeze or shut the damn thing off.
In the end, you decide based on how you feel and what you want. It’s your choice, and if your partner says it’s important to them—and then gives you a reasonable accounting of why—then you get to decide if you’re going to do it and how much.
UGH. I have to decide??
Are you mad? Did you think I was going to say, “The other person empties the dishwasher”?
I didn’t say that because that’s obvious; they should do it. But also, it’s the hard, simple choices that make our lives work. It’s annoying. I don’t blame you if you’re mad. I’m mad.
A better couple of questions to ask yourself for the dishwasher and all other things is, “How can I support myself, given that I have a finite amount of time, energy, and orgasms (see above)? What are my boundaries about things that bug the crap out of me?”
And then, once I set a rule, a boundary, draw a line, and try to figure out how to support myself to hold that line because… and here’s the perfect thing I read: Boundaries are for you. Not other people.
I love you and that’s why I wrote this
Now, option #2!
Mayday it’s coming. :))
I am the dishwasher. In a household of 3,it makes better sense. It would take a week to fill one load.
What I realized in 24-year marriage: I’d rather load/unload the dishwasher, since I find organizing calming vs. my husband’s chaotic, devil may care random loading that shrinks the capacity by 50% and the ensuing treasure hunt on ever finding my favorite mug again or discovering the spoons have been related to the knife drawer 🤦♀️
Isn’t that the truth. When I can’t find my favorite mug, the dishwasher work is a small price to pay.
I prefer to load and unload the dishwasher, it helps to insure that stuff isn’t broken and put back in the right place. Hate not finding essential tools.
Too true. It’s hard to have willy nilly in our spaces!!
Ann, I love your newsletters. They make me laugh, and think. Bless you!
I realized some time ago that I care more about how the dishwasher is loaded so I prefer to load it. I always set the timer and turn it on. Sometimes he unloads. He’s a better cook than I am, he prefers cooking to washing dishes. Fine with me!
Of course, he grew up in an home where the men never did the dishes and he had 3 older sisters so he still (after 40 years of marriage) thinks he shouldn’t have to, I told him that didn’t play. So…
A strong woman has to stay strong. I’m so glad you are here to love my newsletters. It’s a noisy place this world. I’m glad we found each other. xx
When my husband was alive, we traded most tasks equally. There were just a few “his” or “hers” chores and the dishwasher wasn’t one of them. My husband has been dead for many years now, and I still feel I am doing “his” job when I lug the trashcans to the curb.
hahahahah Susan, I love that though. He’s alive and still a little irritating. haha
Hi Ann!
Too bad we won’t get a chance to hang this year in Chicago as the conference isn’t happening. But I’ll give you a guy’s perspective (well, this guy’s perspective). My mother was very much a women’s libber (should that be capitalized?). She attended an ERA conference in Albany, NY in the mid-1970s. So even though my parents got married in 1958, my dad pitched in. In fact, he was more a cleaner than she was. Imagine if Oscar was female and married to Felix. So I grew up believing that chores are a 50-50 proposition–share ’em equally. I not only load and empty the dishwasher, but I want it loaded properly to make unloading easy! So that means I often (always) am reloading it. I do all the vacuuming. I take care of trash and recycling, and all the snow shoveling (so much snow shoveling). I’m on call for in-house repairs (tighten the hinges on a kitchen cabinet, spray WD40 on a squeaky door, etc.). I do post-dinner clean-up if my wife cooks a meal and we’re not just nuking leftovers. So if I ask for a little help on, oh, cleaning the bathrooms, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Guys should share the chores–you don’t have to do them together (too many collisions in the kitchen will result in all those clean spoons on the floor–and right back in the dishwasher). And that’s all I have to say about that. Thanks, mom!
Doug
Well Doug, that a lot and also refreshing isn’t it. Boundaries are about the people involved and everyone gets a say!!
Doug, as Ann said, that is refreshing! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Also, the conference _is_ happening, it’s just in June instead of this month and is a one-day event!
When it comes to actual dishwasher, I’ll load and unload. I care how the dishes go in and are arranged, and I want them put back where I know they go, not haphazardly any ole’ place.
Ha! The dishwasher? Don’t make light of this task. The dishwasher is the calm in the middle of the storm. If you can keep that area moving, loading, unloading …more dishes at the ready to go in.. it’s the key to keeping the whole rhythm of the house going. It seems small but it’s the key… not many know this. So shhhh.