#3! Who Empties the Dishwasher (and Other Good Relationship Math)

I’ve long said that every relationship is about what to keep and what to give, whether it’s a friend, a romance or with the person that does your hair. (Hi Liz!).

Every time we engage with another person, we have to decide what’s fair, what do I want, what do they want, how much can I handle, what is appropriate, what is okay? Who empties the dishwasher? But, like, for real, who empties the dishwasher? Because my hair lady never empties the dishwasher, and I’m okay with that.

Relationships are complicated, and as a recovering people pleaser who’s trying hard not to be codependent, I struggled with how much money to gift my mail carrier this holiday season because my dog barks a lot, and I appreciate how he never flips Peanut off. So I want to show my appreciation without say, gifting my house to him. (that’s too much, right?)

Boundaries are hard. I didn’t grow up in the times where women said, “I am taking a day off!” I grew up in the times when someone was sick, I signed up to bring a casserole to their house on three more days than I wanted to because no one else could do September 15, 16, and the 22nd.

But then I read this *perfect” thing that helped me figure a few things out…..

BEFORE I TELL YOU about this perfect thing, there are a couple of side notes to this troublesome question of who empties the dishwasher. Is it you, the other people who live with you, or maybe nobody does, which is fine for a minute, but then, let’s be real. You need spoons.

Side note #1.

We’re not talking about big partner needs, like an anti-depressant (I mean, who doesn’t need one, am I right?) or who should enroll in a communication class (he does). We are talking about the balance of what we want vs. what someone else might want.

Side note #2.

Remember this game (of a balanced relationship) is rigged against women. Ask your partner-man if they’ve ever wondered how much to give and how much to take in a relationship. Don’t make it a fight. I bet, and I’m generalizing here, they spend more time thinking about their socks, the NFL playoffs, and lunch.

Women are more relationship centered for lots of reasons, both nature and nurture. And if you want to read more about this, read The Secret to Unlocking The Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA. Emily also writes a lot about your privates and how to have an orgasm—which might really take your mind off your dishwasher (no judgment).

It’s time for me to get closer to the perfect thing that helped me figure a few things out.

Back when I was obsessed with parenting questions like, how do I get my kid to eat something other than white food, I found Ellen Satter. She’s a wonderful resource on feeding kids, see: Ellen said, “The parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of feeding. The child is responsible for how much and whether they eat.”

Stay with me, we’re getting there.

The dishwasher and your relationships is the what, when, and where of duties. You are responsible for the if and how much. There is no right answer for every relationship. There is no wrong answer—I mean yes, there is, the man is always wrong.

That was a joke, guys.

Seriously though, our world is a never-ending faucet of freezing cold choices.  You get to stand under it and freeze or shut the damn thing off.

In the end, you decide based on how you feel and what you want. It’s your choice, and if your partner says it’s important to them—and then gives you a reasonable accounting of why—then you get to decide if you’re going to do it and how much.

UGH. I have to decide??

Are you mad? Did you think I was going to say, “The other person empties the dishwasher”?

I didn’t say that because that’s obvious they should do it. But also, it’s the hard simple choices that make our lives work. It’s annoying. I don’t blame you if you’re mad. I’m mad.

A better couple of questions to ask yourself for the dishwasher and all other things is, “How can I support myself, given that I have a finite amount of time, energy, and orgasms (see above)? What are my boundaries about things that bug the crap out of me?”

And then, once I set a rule, a boundary, draw a line, and try to figure out how to support myself to hold that line because… and here’s the perfect thing I read: Boundaries are for you. Not other people.

I love you and that’s why I wrote this