I think this is about all of us.
While this letter seems like it’s about me, I wrote it thinking about you, me, all of us. We live in a world that asks too much of us.
I had a bunch of medical tests, then broke my toe, and then had a minor flood in my basement.
I don’t want to talk about being sick, and you don’t want to know the gritty details.
Google “H-Pylori” and you’ll find everything you need. Google doesn’t name me specifically, but they should, for the number of times I searched for information on how to manage the sharp pain that comes with that particular bacteria.
I hate being sick, but I rather liked answering any and all queries with a quick text or email: “Sick now. Back soon.”
I’m feeling better, but I’d like to renege on my promise to “be back soon.”
What I’m saying is, I want to do more of what I did while I was sick. I want to watch old blockbusters like “Legends of the Fall” and “Out of Africa.” I want to doom-scroll, eat ice cream, and consider painting my kitchen pink but not actually paint it.
The question is, am I capable of this kind of lollygagging without the stomach pain rooting me to my mattress?
I’m not sure. You see, I’m a racehorse.
Hold up. I’m not bragging; I don’t mean a Thoroughbred.
Wait, let me look that up. Google says modern Thoroughbreds are primarily bred for speed, and racehorses have a very high rate of accidents and problems.
Yes, I got that right. I’m a curious, interested, extroverted pony who works very hard and has had some successes and just as many missteps. I can be haphazard, charging forward without adequate planning and provisions, but give me a field of clover and a patch of sunshine and I will snack and nap to make up for all the running around I did. Sometimes I eat too much clover, and then I hit Doctor Google.
I’m no horse trainer, but I think the difference between a racehorse and a Thoroughbred is what they’ve learned. And me? Well, I learned to run.
I ran to make a living, I ran to prove my value to others, I ran to make a nice life for my family. Now, I run to be relevant in a world that hates older women, and I run because if I stop and everything doesn’t fall apart, does that mean I didn’t have to run in the first place?
Did I not have to run?
And what now? If I’m done running, how do I stop? How do I just do? Be? Keep doing what I want to do without breaking into a skip, a jog, a gallop?
Something I know for sure is that if I want to change something, I have to build scaffolding around it. Supportive structures that remind me of a new way of living.
Here’s what I’ve done:
- Reframed my to-do list. Sometimes my to-do list is not a list of things I think I’ll forget to do. It’s a list of things I can’t forget. It’s an anxiety list. Knowing this helps me to see my life as less of a 911 situation and more of a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race scenario.
- I am committing to reading twenty minutes in the morning with my coffee. Not the news, but the books on my bookshelf. It takes time to sit and read. I have to be calm down and I’m pretty calm in the AM so it doesn’t require me to change my energy level to do it.
- When I get tired or stressed, I think of my body as something I borrowed from a nice person and want to return it to them in good shape. I’m taking care of myself better.
- And, I like to think of my body as I think of my dog: my best friend who I would never yell at, call lazy, or give it a pint of ice cream to consume while doom scrolling.
- I read articles written by good writers. Emma Waldinger wrote this article, and in it she said this: “If I’m over going big, how do I embrace the small?” I like knowing she is having the same problem.
- I bought the book “The Untethered Soul.” It’s about understanding that you are not your thoughts and desires. You are the awareness of those things. I just Googled it. I sort of get it but also I don’t. I’ll read it maybe, but it’s not on my anxiety list today.
- I’m learning to live softer with Tara Stiles and we’re doing a retreat together where I talk more about this.
I might be over the adage of go big or go home. Maybe I’ll go little and write, pet my dog, and discover that I have value no matter what I decide to do. Stay tuned. I’m a journey not a destination.
How do you stop running? I’d love to know.
xx Ann
PS, Since I heard that people were interested in my favorite things to travel with, I thought I’d give you ideas about products that support less running (but not in an exercise way).
I have used and lost or broken lot of book lights over the years but this one is surprisingly substantial and versatile.
This game requires no math or strategy and helps you get to know your kids or friends in a funny way. It’s so fun and so easy and I usually do not like games.
My daughter and ex-night-shift worker recommends this eye mask for comfy eyes and darkness
You are not alone. I find myself trying to ‘do’ something to keep myself busy. If I don’t, I feel like I’m being lazy. I stress more trying to relax than is healthy, so, again, I catch myself trying to ‘do’ something with every minute of my day. Unless I have a new book. Those are my indulgences. I gave 4 new ones coming.
YEAH! I also find it hard to update my webpage or do any marketing. Ugh!
I read about this all the time, trying to understand that I have value, am the same person if I’m running or walking or sitting. Thank goodness for books, my gosh they do settle us a bit, don’t they.
Thank you for writing Diana, xx A
Ann! I love this. This very moment, I’m wrestling whether to continue reading a novel I love on my kindle or tackling the next chapter on a new manuscript that’s turned me into an obsessive . . . fill in the blanks.
Rest up! Feel well.
I see you Julie. I see you and I’m thinking we see each other!
You described EXACTLY how I am feeling at this time. It was perfect. I worry about the future, my dear little grandchildren, and the awful comments I read online about boomer Karen’s, among many other things. I want to take some time for myself but at 73 how much time do I have? Should I “waste” any? Your article is giving me permission to slow down at least a little. Thank you!
YOU HAVE TWENTY-FIVE PLUS MORE YEARS.
But, I’ve always been well aware of time and I’m thinking right in this moment, maybe that’s enough. The awareness rather than adding more into the time so that you aren’t aware of time passing. hmmmm this is a thought I will try and keep track of. Thank you for being my muse today. xx A
Glad to hear you’re on the mend.
From my old yoga student, may she RIP, “It all counts and none of it matters.”
Nurture yourself, because it’s key to cultivating happiness. Nurture relationships (including the one w/ the divine if that’s your thing), because we’re all interconnected. And figure out some activity/passion that serves the greater good.
Sorry to miss you at bummer Camp 2025! Once my schedule gets clearer, perhaps I’ll try for the wait list.
It all counts and none of it matters
Wonderful.
But I would add — unless it’s love.
Thank you for this Sara,
Bummer Camp 2026 it is.
Hi Annie…as I can attest, illness forces you to just BE, and gives you the opportunity to become familiar with your essential self. You can only focus on what lies at the core of who you are and what you find there can be astonishing. I discovered gifts and treasures even in the most arduous of health journeys. For example, one of my chemo drugs had the crazy effect of making me feel like my Lady Peach had just burst into flames. As I am trying to beat out the blaze in my crotch and wondering if I should drop and roll, the nurse casually says, “ Oh, that happens sometimes.”
Or the friend who offered me salon products having completely forgotten that I don’t have hair at present to shampoo.
I don’t know who writes the script for these things, but I found at my core an unending wellspring of humor and lightheartedness that never abandons me.
Be well, dear friend.
Can I come visit you?
Jim is in Seattle working on renovating a house, his son is moving to Tacoma and I bet I can find Issaquah and a hotel.
Please say yes,
Hair is overrated. Let’s chat.
Ok. Thoughts that come to mind.
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We only have one life.
You will start to feel better. Some things take longer than others with the right meds, the right foods, heating pads,, etc. I’ve started surrounding myself with soft blankets, pillows, towels, mattress, etc. Makes me feel so good. Water aerobics are life saving.
Discovered this week that we are more well rounded and happy if we continue to use our work skills as we age. I was in customer service where I researched questions to provide direction to the answers. I spend my days gathering info that surely someone will need some day. My sister was a project manager, she’s got her hand in a bunch of pots around town. Her skills are sorely needed on that level. My other sister was a teacher. She now is working with refugees at the local Literacy Volunteers program and not only teaching them to read, but how to have fun at the park with their kids. Supporting them emotionally as they learn about their new country whole while loosening the reins on their traditions.
On another note, an acquaintance told me she’s been “sexless” for 16 years and. She wants to have sex again before she dies. She’s married to her cheating husband, “what do you think of that?” My advice to her was, “We only have one life”…. I left it to her to decide what that was for her.
Settle yourself. Make yourself comfortable. Use your skills. Enjoy what you can do physically. We love your spirit, Ann! Hope you’re better soon
Such great thoughts! Thank you for your sister wisdom! I’m working on settling myself! Thank you for caring.
omg, “something I borrowed from a nice person” hahahaha I love that. Sometimes medical drama is a message to graze in the field, you little show pony you
Pink pony girl over here! I’m going to keep on dancing!
Love these comments and find I have so much in common with what you say and what they say! No, I don’t feel like checking on my website either. But I’ve gotta finish my short story. Or don’t I?
Or don’t I?? That’s the question isn’t it?? Yes! But also, maybee not!
“Running” is a hard habit to break, especially when all of our systems seem set up to encourage (and often demand) it, and our capitalistic society applauds and rewards it. Even our language reinforces the “need for speed”– we don’t “walk” for office, we run; we “run” rather than “jog” our errands, perhaps in the hopes that we can check off yet another one from our very long to-do lists. Of course, there are some negative connotations when it comes to running. I mean, nobody who has been in the bathroom for days goes to the doctor for medicine to get over “the strolls.” Mostly though, running is embraced and revered by a lot of us, and too often with negative consequences.
Anyway, back to your question. As a recovering CEO who, until I retired, never saw a 60-hour workweek I didn’t like, what has been most helpful to me during my years-long rehabilitation from corporate running is to imagine myself as my best friend. (Like you, I used to imagine myself as my dog, but we had to say goodbye to her last year and thinking of her still makes me too sad.) I’d never lecture my best friend about being lazy if she told me she spent the entire weekend in bed, binge-watching Outlander. I’d never suggest she get her lazy ass to the gym, unless pilates or pumping iron gave her joy.
During these tumultuous times when everyone seems to be yelling at each other, I’ve been working hard on being more kind. So I might as well practice kindness by starting with myself.
Best wishes in your efforts to hang up your running shoes, Ann. And thanks for the suggestions and encouragement.
Ann- I just got off the phone with my BFF and told her that being so sick for six weeks had an upside. I added some new streaming channels and watched some great shows. I may watch them again , since I napped through them . The flu and two strands of pneumonia can do that to you.
Our phone call was also about “ slowing down the business’ I love your list and article. Along with your novels and articles.
Thx you
Hear your plight loud and clear. I do not have the answers yet.
Please don’t paint your kitchen pink. Don’t even think about it!!
Growing up in the 70’s, my mother had those thoughts and acted upon them!
She was rather crafty in her free time and had made a beautiful wave texture on her plaster walls, as was a style then. In the color cream, one could soothingly experience their surroundings.
Then Mom came home with a can of PINK paint. I have always noticed paint samples look lighter under the bright lights of the paint shop. Mother’s pink was that of the Pepto Bismol Pink color and she applied that paint to her beautiful wave textured walls!
My sister and I grew up feeling as if we were in a Pepto Bismol Commercial with all sides coated with the much respected cure for stomach symptoms…H. pylori anyone???
Feel better. Ann. Being so ill can take months to return to your “normal”. Give yourself time to fully recover. It is no sin to hold onto some ways learned in the sick room. Watch those old movies once in a while. Love on your pup.
Love on yourself!
I promise not to paint my kitchen pink. hahahah
Thank you for caring. xxx A
Thank you for caring, reading and offering your thoughts. Many years ago I proposed a TED talk about imagining your body as your dog for self care. I didn’t have research but I believe it. I got rejected but it’s good to know others think it’s a good idea (without the Ted talk). xx A
Ann- I just got off the phone with my BFF and told her that being so sick for six weeks had an upside. I added some new streaming channels and watched some great shows. I may watch them again , since I napped through them . The flu and two strands of pneumonia can do that to you.
Our phone call was also about “ slowing down the business’ I love your list and article. Along with your novels and articles.
Thx you
Joyce,
Wow, you and I had the same Jan–maybe. Yours sounds worse if you don’t mine me saying so. Thank you for writing to me here and thanks for your very kind support. xx A
Wow Ann. What a revelation! Sometimes I think Illness IS the body’s way of saying “get a clue.” Yes, you are a racehorse. I have marveled at the way you make running the course look ea. But I know it’s not. Take care, dear lady. A slow trot gets you around the field too. — and you get to notice a lot more.
Oof, easy. I know you know. I know it does look that way but now I’m wondering where your last email is and did I miss your book launch?
Thank you so much Kate. xxx A
ps: “ea” was supposed to be “ez’ but you probably figured that out. oof!
xx
On my daily walk through the forest, I stop and thank the trees. Tree seem to just stand there, unless they are pushed (a little) by the wind, and yet without them we wouldn’t be able to breathe. Literally. They provide shelter for a gazillion little creatures. They help the other trees around them to keep standing too. And they provide silence. We need to do more thanking of trees.
Oh Ann, I love you explained, so beautifully, the plight of women who care enough to try and do everything, So very hard to let go of. When I was 25 I ran myself down so much that I got pneumonia. At 25, in the summer. It has not stopped me yet though.
I did a similar thing. It’s a lesson I’m still learning.
Thank you for writing!! And reading.
Sweet Ann, I relate to everything you and the others have said. It’s that time when we see the approaching “end of the line” and new truths unfold. I no longer have the same desires as I did when I was young. I’m meditating more and learning to “be” and not just do, though there are still many things I want to do. With winter coming to an end, I feel lighter and ready to live more fully. I strive to be upbeat like you. You’re a magnificent woman whom I admire greatly.
I do too. I think something’s different this time. I’m going to pay attention.
Thank you for your words…I’m so glad you are here. xx
Always love reading your blog… and that’s saying something as I have the attention span of a flea!
Your blog is like having coffee with an old friend.
Regarding “you are not your thoughts…”
I once did a meditation retreat (observing silence for 72 hours!) and the monk explained it like this:
Your heart beats without you telling it to. It beats because you are alive,
Your brain thinks thoughts without you telling it to. It thinks because you are alive.
You are not your heart or your brain, but you wear them while you are here,
Remember YOU are the observer of those things, and though you cannot choose every beat of your heart or every thought your brain thinks, you can choose how to care for them and what to notice and what to dismiss.
That understanding was life changing for me…
I used it often in teaching meditation. I hope it can help someone who needs to hear it today.
Again, thank you for putting things into words in a way we can relate to that makes us feel more connected.
Rock on!
!-!
You are not your heart or your brain, but you wear them while you are here,
This is an incredible lesson. What a gem. Thank you for sharing it. It’s perfect.
Thank you for writing and caring. xxx Ann
h pylori is the devil’s work….that pain….ouch, our times over….the number of times it had me in it’s horrible grip…